


the full moon

by renard_rouge



Series: our secrets are shared by the moon [1]
Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Drunkenness, F/F, Late at Night, Pining, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:07:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23803600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renard_rouge/pseuds/renard_rouge
Summary: courtney took another swig of wine, hoping to take away the pains of unrequited love but to no avail. as she sat there at the balcony of her apartment, she had a faraway look etched on her face as her gaze was on the lights of the city.it was just one of those nights again.
Relationships: Courtney Miller/Olivia Sui
Series: our secrets are shared by the moon [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727776
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	the full moon

courtney took another swig of wine, hoping to take away the pains of unrequited love but to no avail. as she sat there at the balcony of her apartment, she had a faraway look etched on her face as her gaze was on the lights of the city.

it was one of those nights again.

it was unhealthy, of course, drinking away the pain that will never be healed as long as _she_ was in another's arms. hell, none of her friends knew this, she'd think it would've only been an annoying inconvenience as they'll keep giving her non-stop advice to just move on. it wasn't particularly false though, but the blonde girl couldn't find herself to let this feeling go.

if the person you love was in a happy relationship, you should let them go – they say. but no matter what, it will always leave a bitter taste whenever she'd leave happy comments about their relationship. she meant it, but she always leaves the part of her wanting to say that it should've been her making her smile.

she knew her longer than him. she fell in love with her first. she's been with her on both of her downfalls and happiest days giving nothing but only over-pouring love and support. hell, she fucking kissed her first than _him._

then why? why was he the one to win over her heart? why was he the one to make her smile everyday? why was he the one blessed to see her in every waking hour at this fucking pandemic?

two words, she's straight.

courtney lets out a hollow laugh at that thought.

"of course, of-fucking-course!" courtney said shakily but in a bold voice, albeit slurring her words, saying to no one in particular but at herself.

she'd broken the first rule of being gay, to never fall in love with someone straight. it was so simple, and yet she fucking broke it, with pride as she's been head-over-heels for her best friend for years of them knowing eachother.

courtney winced at that word, _best friend_.

to be honest, they've passed in all sense of society's standard of platonic because of how intimate they were. they've kissed. that should've passed the line right? but it didn't.

was it foolish to say that she always felt an electrifying feeling whenever they did, always wanting for more than little pecks of affection? it disgusted her and yet somehow it feels so wrong to the point it feels so right to her.

she knew it was nothing more but an act for the camera, an act of affection to each other because it shows how deep their friendship was. but the feeling made her want more, made her addicted, like a drug addict knowing nothing more than to just scavenge that one drug they'd been addicted to. it was in all senses of fucked up because she was her best friend, and nothing more than that.

and even with that thought, it exhiliarated her. it gave her excitement. with the thrill of having a boundary and crossing that even for just a second – even if the feeling was never mutual at the first place – it still made her high off of that feeling.

she'd long gone ditched trying to find someone else. every single person she'd date would always ended up with her breaking up with them with an excuse to say that her feelings were not there anymore. it wasn't a lie though, but the feelings were never there to begin with. they were just a filler, hoping that maybe someday she'd feel the same feelings she did with her but with another person yet she was always left with bundled up feelings of shame, regret, and guilt in the end of the relationship.

maybe this was just the universe telling her that she didn't deserve love. that she didn't deserve someone that would make her feel important than anyone else. that she was meant to just fucking die alone while her friends are off getting married, having kids, and have love with every single day of their life. something she maybe wouldn't ever have.

courtney took another swig, but as she did she realized the bottle was already empty as nothing came into her mouth. courtney laughed at that fact, having already downed another bottle, like she got a new highscore in how many she'd drank in one night. after her laughs died down, rage quickly bubbled within her as she threw it into the ground, shards flying out from the impact. 

as her anger simmers down, she sat there for a moment, observing the broken pieces of the bottle.

"tha's wha' you did to my heart, 'livia," courtney murmured as she slurred her words, gritting her teeth, annoyed as she'd always find symbolisms like these.

"and yet somehow...i'll always find a way to fall in love with you again," courtney said, sobering up a little, knowing that no one will hear her pathetic woes of love.

after a moment passes, she found herself looking at the night sky, desperate for a moment of comfort other than liquid courage.

the night always reminded courtney of olivia's dark raven hair, but something in particular caught her eye this time. it was the moon, shining in it's full glory. it gave her comfort, but she felt something more than that. 

the moon wasn't always full. to most nights it will have some parts of it missing. and yet here it was, the full moon, and courtney was just staring at it in awe. it gave her hope. it gave her a sense of a new beginning. maybe – just maybe – if the moon could still stand brighter than the stars even with parts of it missing, it will still one day complete itself, making it even more brighter than before and be proud to show it. if the moon could do it, maybe she can aswell. building her heart again piece by piece, being so worned down by just pouring out love into one person yet having none return for years. she felt as if she realized she didn't need anyone to complete herself, not olivia, not anyone, but...herself.

courtney cried as she felt like something has been lifted off of her shoulders. like she wouldn't have to face these nights again, hunched in a chair, drowning in all of her wine, begging for one person and for her to just do it all over again. something told her that it was all over now.

courtney felt like herself again, and she wouldn't let herself be torn down so easily once again. it wasn't gonna be easy, but she knew this was the start of something new.

and for the first time ever, courtney felt...love.

**Author's Note:**

> well that was...heavy. damn. i literally surprised myself that i came up with this. also, please leave feedback below to what you think about it and what you liked from it.


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